Punxsutawney Phil

I thought I'd start off this post by giving you, the reader, a rare glimpse inside a typical day in the life of a man of leisure. It is, to borrow a line from a fellow member of this exclusive, unemployment check collecting club.....like Groundhog Day. I'm sure many of you currently employed folks remember back to the days of summer breaks or maybe even a lucky few of you were able to finagle that 10 day vacation 5 years ago and...at some point during that furlough...errr time off, you started to lose track of things...little things....like the day of the week, for instance or your work computer log in/password. It's really quite natural, if you come to think of it - unless if you have something specific planned, there really is no reason to know what day it is. I'd argue that knowing the day of the week is actually superfluous information, particularly in the age of DVRs when you are assured to watch, at your leisure, whatever shows you want whenever you want.

However, while I will vigorously argue that losing track of days, weeks or even months is quite minor and nothing to be scared of, there is one major untoward effect of this condition - weekends lose all their splendor. The relief of leaving work on a Friday afternoon is a feeling that is truly unparalleled and, sadly, it's a feeling of euphoria that men of leisure quickly lose. Now some will argue that every day is your weekend, but I would respectfully, no, in fact, disrespectfully, disagree with that logic. It's just the not same feel going out on a random Monday night...it's not the same crowd...it's not the same packs of guys and girls looking to, in one way or another, unwind after a hard week's work. It's actually a rather depressing scene. I don't want to be Norm from Cheers...I don't want to be that guy that literally stands outside the bar until it opens at 12 pm and proceeds to take up shop on his corner stool for the next 9 hours. I've tried that already...it doesn't suit me.

Which brings me to Punxsutawney Phil - every day really becomes Groundhog day in this life of leisure, no matter how much you try to keep yourself busy. I think few people realize the amount of dead time there is during the day. Let me give you a perfect example - a typical day for me would be as follows:

Wake up: 7 am. (Fair warning, that internal clock you've had running if you've worked more than 5+ years keeps on ticking.)

Get up: there's usually a bathroom trip involved and some brief internet surfing to catch up on all things going on that you are, of course, no longer a part of.

Realization: the realization mode usually sets in about 8 am...it's the realization that there's really no good reason to be up so the only sensible thing to do is crawl back into bed. One caveat though: investing in high quality window shades/curtains is essential, particularly during the summer months. Nothing starts a day off worse than returning for the second phase of your sleep only to be thwarted by the blinding high beams of the summer sun.

Hunger: hunger pangs tend to set in about 10-11 am, often necessitating immediate action. That's when Seamless Web comes to the rescue. I'm not a morning person so the ability to avoid almost all human contact while receiving vital nourishment in a less than 20 minutes is, without exaggeration, the work of angels.

Setting a goal: after breakfast I've begun to get into the habit of setting at least one goal to accomplish during the day. Do laundry, buy toilet paper, see a movie...something along these lines...i'm a big proponent of setting expectation bars low enough that one can trip over them, but whatever the goal may be, however ambitious it may seem, it becomes my version of work...sort of the methadone treatment to prevent complete withdrawal symptoms. The need to feel productive does not disappear, this i have learned, the engine that drives that productivity may only be in first gear, but it's still there.

By this time, it's typically noon....my goal is usually squarely in site, but you can't just run out and knock that errand, etc off list right away. No...that would be imprudent. This is typically when a couch nap is scheduled, particularly given the lack of anything worth watching on TV. That said, I do find shows like the Price is Right of Jerry Springer the perfect ambient noise to help lull me back into a much needed and well earned power nap. Now, this nap is a tricky one as it is often influenced by how late you stayed up to watch Samuel L Jackson kill some snakes on a plane. I'll get to that later, of course, but it's not uncommon to have that nap turn into a mini sleep, with the clock now likely in the 3-4 pm range, which is perfect timing to accomplish your prespecified goals and also get your daily allowance of contact with other human beings.

Goal Accomplished, Rewards are in Order: rewarding oneself in the life of leisure usually involves either food or alcohol; some members of the club often combine both, though I tend to stick to one or the other....I'm a little guy...I can't do what the big guys do.

6 pm on: usually good enough programming on or internet surfing available to pass the next several hours. The real problems begin after 10 or 11, when it becomes abundantly clear that the two naps you've taken have completely thrown off your sleep schedule and you finally resign yourself to the fact that sleep won't come before 3 am, if you are lucky. On a bad day, you can see the sun rise...it rises early folks...5:20 ish...let's just say the whole seeing the sunrise is cool phenomenon loses its luster. Quickly.

There you have it folks. I've kept it fairly general but string about 5 or 6 of these together and you're well on your way to an honorary membership in the life of leisure club....

MJB

In our next post, we tackle the Middle East Issue and our pathway to peace...

Diary of the Downsized: An Introduction

Diary of the Downsized: An Introduction
6/29/08

Why?

The question "Why?" is the opening day topic of this, my first entry in the "Diary of the Downsized." In short, what I'm hoping to accomplish in the drivel that follows is fairly straightforward - explain WHY I've decided to start keeping this journal. A more ambitious goal would also include trying to convince you WHY you should even care and, god forbid, care enough to actually read this thing with any regularity...I have no delusions of grandeur on the latter; mind you, I don't expect anyone would care....some of my friends may get a kick out of it, my mother might care or at least feign caring...my Dad...ehhh...that's iffy, but I don't blame him or anyone for that matter - there are a lot more important things in life to focus on, but, as you will soon find out, I've got a lot of time on my hands these days and as the saying goes, idle hands are the devil's workshop so why not put those hands to work, no? I should note that I very much prefer the slightly darker slant to that saying: the devil's hands are happy hands...saw that on a movie poster a long time ago and got a kick out of it....but i digress.

So, WHY am I doing this? I'm really just looking to kill time in the day and if, by some chance, I can kill some time in your day, well then, all the better, though that would probably suggest you need some type of pharmaceutical intervention...a nice IV push of an anti-psychotic will straighten you out, no doubt.

So I think I've addressed WHY I'm doing this and now it's really a matter of convincing you to care, or if not care, at least laugh at, with, or near me. Let me take a few steps back and start off by providing some context and background. First...who am I? I'm a 31 year old single guy living in Manhattan (not with my parents though, so I've got that going for me.) I can be glued to the T.V. all day watching sports or, if the gods see fit to reward me, nothing beats the Karate Kid; or I can be fully engrossed in a book for hours on end, with my couch being the only common link those completely disparate activities share. I could also be called a workaholic, but I've managed to overcome that condition - as of approximately four months ago, I found myself gainfully unemployed. Shed no tears for me though, I'm one (or was one) of those stereotypical Wall Street douche bags that was summarily tossed to the curb in the first of several rounds of recent corporate cutbacks. My loss of employment is not a seismic event; there is no net loss for society. I fully understand this.

So what's my motivation? What am I going to write about? This is still unclear - I'd like to have some structure, some general theme but this is still a work in progress. What is clear though is that life without a job leaves a lot of time to fill and gives me the opportunity to listen (and sometimes talk back to) the voices in my head...they are entertaining voices and I see this blog, in part, as a way to give them some air time. So be prepared for some completely ridiculous trains of thought that I will, for better or for worse, share with whomever chooses to subject themselves to this journal...You'll also have to put up with rants and raves on sports...this is inevitable, so be forewarned. Politics, but more precisely, politicians will get ample vetting in this blog as well. I hope to also throw in, when I see fit, some photos I've taken or will take and believe you me...a simple photo = more than 1000 words. Funny words and perhaps some images and words that move you...but I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.

So that's it in a nutshell. Those are my marching orders, for now at least. All things are subject to change...which allows me to conclude this Blog Preface, of sorts, with a favorite joke from a favorite movie which goes something along the lines of a....bartender asking a patron: "how do you make god laugh?" The man on stool shrugs...and .the barkeep responds..."make a plan...make a plan."

...In the next entry...My Life is Groundhog day
- MJB