Men of Leisure Manual...C'mon...You Know You Want One

Becoming a full fledged member of the Men of Leisure Society is actually a rather simple process...the only prerequisite is loss of employment. How that comes about is rather inconsequential - your position may have been "eliminated" or you may have been terminated for "cause" or hell, perhaps you got caught ordering Seamless Web meals on other colleagues' accounts one too many times...whether it be downsizing, poor performance or a hearty appetite that brought you to the precipice, rest assured the Men of Leisure Society will be there...don't get me wrong, we won't try to talk you down from the ledge or even provide a safety net below if you do jump...we really kind just want to see if you bounce when you take the plunge; oh, and we'll be taking bets.

That said, if you are able to get your wits about you and decide to at least see if the whole unemployment thing suits you, we'll hand you a crisp new uniform (details on the uniform are still not being made public...we will have an unveiling party in short order) and our Men of Leisure Society Manual, which contains among other things, suggestions on activities one can enjoy, guilt free, even on food stamps and unemployment checks.

Today, we are offering a rare opportunity for the general public - we are pulling back the veil of secrecy on our Society's most guarded possession, known simply as...The Manual. The Manual, as you surely have noted in awe below, is nothing less than a work of art, both in its exterior beauty as well as the brilliant prose contained within. There is a significant amount of symbolic importance to each of the items on and surrounding this magnificent tome.

First, you'll observe the six gold plated rapiers in the background - in eras past, these were used by Men of Leisure to subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) suggest to the King's tax collectors that they should come back another day, for money was a bit "tight" at the moment. Today, the rapiers are still very much an integral part of a Man of Leisure's life, however their use is a touch less noble...they make great letter openers for those unemployment checks, paper shredders for those job rejection letters and they cut that government wheel of cheese like a hot rapier through butter. We do however, dissuade members from bringing them along to job interviews...yes, they very well may project that powerful, go-getter type image prospective employers seek in a candidate, but that employer is more likely a Medieval Times (http://www.medievaltimes.com/home.aspx) than an investment bank or law firm. Trust us; we speak from experience. (Oh...fair warning...might want to check your volume if you click on that link.)

Next, you'll note the treasure chest to the left of The Manual. Hate to break it to you, but if you are a member of the Society, there ain't no treasure in there...for example, that's where I keep my loose change and every so often I plan a field trip over to the Commerce Bank down the street to use their handy coin machine counter. I highly recommend this activity...not only does it typically result in some extra (and unexpected) scratch to live on, but you get free lollipops, too.

Finally, we have the tome itself, which, as I gaze upon this very minute, is emitting an unmistakable glow. Perhaps it's the knowledge that lies within...perhaps the genuine leather binding, 22k gold accented ornamental cover and thread sewn (not glued) pages cannot fully contain its luminescence. Eh...then again, maybe it's sitting on top of my ringing blackberry....damn it...it's the blackberry...and I've gotta take this call. It's my mom and she's undoubtedly going to interrogate me about what I've done all weekend...man, I hate that conversation...

Until next time,
MJB

Punxsutawney Phil

I thought I'd start off this post by giving you, the reader, a rare glimpse inside a typical day in the life of a man of leisure. It is, to borrow a line from a fellow member of this exclusive, unemployment check collecting club.....like Groundhog Day. I'm sure many of you currently employed folks remember back to the days of summer breaks or maybe even a lucky few of you were able to finagle that 10 day vacation 5 years ago and...at some point during that furlough...errr time off, you started to lose track of things...little things....like the day of the week, for instance or your work computer log in/password. It's really quite natural, if you come to think of it - unless if you have something specific planned, there really is no reason to know what day it is. I'd argue that knowing the day of the week is actually superfluous information, particularly in the age of DVRs when you are assured to watch, at your leisure, whatever shows you want whenever you want.

However, while I will vigorously argue that losing track of days, weeks or even months is quite minor and nothing to be scared of, there is one major untoward effect of this condition - weekends lose all their splendor. The relief of leaving work on a Friday afternoon is a feeling that is truly unparalleled and, sadly, it's a feeling of euphoria that men of leisure quickly lose. Now some will argue that every day is your weekend, but I would respectfully, no, in fact, disrespectfully, disagree with that logic. It's just the not same feel going out on a random Monday night...it's not the same crowd...it's not the same packs of guys and girls looking to, in one way or another, unwind after a hard week's work. It's actually a rather depressing scene. I don't want to be Norm from Cheers...I don't want to be that guy that literally stands outside the bar until it opens at 12 pm and proceeds to take up shop on his corner stool for the next 9 hours. I've tried that already...it doesn't suit me.

Which brings me to Punxsutawney Phil - every day really becomes Groundhog day in this life of leisure, no matter how much you try to keep yourself busy. I think few people realize the amount of dead time there is during the day. Let me give you a perfect example - a typical day for me would be as follows:

Wake up: 7 am. (Fair warning, that internal clock you've had running if you've worked more than 5+ years keeps on ticking.)

Get up: there's usually a bathroom trip involved and some brief internet surfing to catch up on all things going on that you are, of course, no longer a part of.

Realization: the realization mode usually sets in about 8 am...it's the realization that there's really no good reason to be up so the only sensible thing to do is crawl back into bed. One caveat though: investing in high quality window shades/curtains is essential, particularly during the summer months. Nothing starts a day off worse than returning for the second phase of your sleep only to be thwarted by the blinding high beams of the summer sun.

Hunger: hunger pangs tend to set in about 10-11 am, often necessitating immediate action. That's when Seamless Web comes to the rescue. I'm not a morning person so the ability to avoid almost all human contact while receiving vital nourishment in a less than 20 minutes is, without exaggeration, the work of angels.

Setting a goal: after breakfast I've begun to get into the habit of setting at least one goal to accomplish during the day. Do laundry, buy toilet paper, see a movie...something along these lines...i'm a big proponent of setting expectation bars low enough that one can trip over them, but whatever the goal may be, however ambitious it may seem, it becomes my version of work...sort of the methadone treatment to prevent complete withdrawal symptoms. The need to feel productive does not disappear, this i have learned, the engine that drives that productivity may only be in first gear, but it's still there.

By this time, it's typically noon....my goal is usually squarely in site, but you can't just run out and knock that errand, etc off list right away. No...that would be imprudent. This is typically when a couch nap is scheduled, particularly given the lack of anything worth watching on TV. That said, I do find shows like the Price is Right of Jerry Springer the perfect ambient noise to help lull me back into a much needed and well earned power nap. Now, this nap is a tricky one as it is often influenced by how late you stayed up to watch Samuel L Jackson kill some snakes on a plane. I'll get to that later, of course, but it's not uncommon to have that nap turn into a mini sleep, with the clock now likely in the 3-4 pm range, which is perfect timing to accomplish your prespecified goals and also get your daily allowance of contact with other human beings.

Goal Accomplished, Rewards are in Order: rewarding oneself in the life of leisure usually involves either food or alcohol; some members of the club often combine both, though I tend to stick to one or the other....I'm a little guy...I can't do what the big guys do.

6 pm on: usually good enough programming on or internet surfing available to pass the next several hours. The real problems begin after 10 or 11, when it becomes abundantly clear that the two naps you've taken have completely thrown off your sleep schedule and you finally resign yourself to the fact that sleep won't come before 3 am, if you are lucky. On a bad day, you can see the sun rise...it rises early folks...5:20 ish...let's just say the whole seeing the sunrise is cool phenomenon loses its luster. Quickly.

There you have it folks. I've kept it fairly general but string about 5 or 6 of these together and you're well on your way to an honorary membership in the life of leisure club....

MJB

In our next post, we tackle the Middle East Issue and our pathway to peace...