Things Unemployment Has Introduced Me To: Part I - Facebook

To start, I apologize for the dearth of postings the last several days. But, I promise more is to come....for better or for worse.

So, in that vein, over the next several days, I'll be posting a series of entries that will focus on a variety of things that, now being unemployed, I've found the time to be introduced to or experience de novo. Today, our topic is the social networking phenomenon, Facebook. Fair warning...I attended a Hemingway seminar today to pick up some tips on how to emulate one of history's literary giants. Needless to say, my endless shortcomings as a writer are a significant rate limiting factor, so the best I could do to honor Ernest's legacy is to write this post in a state of which he was so accustomed...you can fill in the blanks. Oh, on a completely unrelated sidebar, I had drinks next to Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame this afternoon. He didn't look good...nor did I, of course, but that's not my job...oh wait...I don't have one of those...

For you younger generation, here is Steve in his glory days:
And here is Steve today:

Ok...I'm back on track now...so, while I was working, I had heard of Facebook, but never really understood the draw and frankly, like most things, I scoffed at both its purpose and those that were on it. Well...I'm on it now...and yet I still scoff at its existence. So this of course begs the question: what's the attraction? Well, I think I've got the answer and it has nothing to do with social networking. Social networking is just marketing talk...something people in corporate board rooms use to pitch ideas to venture investors or justify IPO/M&A valuations. Social networking is just how we Facebookians rationalize the inexplicable amount or better said, waste, of time we spend on that site. Come clean...you know that all too easy catch phrase "networking" doesn't keep you on a site for five consecutive hours "poking" people or playing ConnectFour with someone in Uzbekistan.

No, the recipe for Facebook's success is quite simple, in my view, and boils down to three key ingredients: one cup of voyeurism, two tablespoons of narcissism and at least six grams of some sort of newfangled form WiFied crack cocaine.

Let's take the last ingredient, first...there is an ethereal sort of tractor beam effect that comes over when you sit down in front of your computer...much like crack, you get a sort of very immediate high as you inhale the countless friend requests that have been sent your way or accepted, or notifications that you are "Hot or Not" from some random person. It's a buzz...and it keeps you coming back to that profile page like it's your dealer peddling some rock.

Now, moving on to voyeurism...there's no denying this. The fact that you know you can stare at the profile of some dude or chick that you either dated, dumped, cheated on, wished that you dated or wished that you dumped and they have no idea you are stalking them has great appeal. In fact, I believe it's the most evolved form of stalking/voyeurism in the known universe.

Finally...narcissism absolutely plays a role. Of course you want to make sure you have the best pictures, the most pictures, and the best and most pictures with the coolest people possible so that you can feel better about yourself. I have a perfect example of how this works and it comes from personal experience. If you follow this logic, except in reverse, I think you see there is no denying this thesis: I have but one picture of myself on my Facebook page, no one has tagged me, no one writes on my wall and...and therefore not coincidentally, I'm not a big fan of myself these days. In simpler terms - I have the least the amount of pictures with the uncoolest people in the world and I am a loser. Just take that logic tree, turn it around, and my point is undeniably true. More pictures, more happy. Less pictures, less cool and less happy. Simple as that...

And there you have my take on Facebook. See you all on Monday, with Part II of this series...

MJB